Couple Of Jokes....

[Smoes]

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."


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The Chris Beniot song..
To the tune of "fresh prince of bel-air

"The Fresh Chris of Hell Queer"

Now this is the story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute to talk off-stage
And tell you how I became the victim of a thing called roid-rage.

In the pro wrestling industry, born and raised,
Choking other men is how I spent most of my days.
Headbuttin', cross-facin', as a technical king,
All while shootin' some steroids outside of the ring.
When I got an iPhone, I was up to no good.
Skipped a match and flew back to my neighborhood.
I took one too many roids, my wife gasped for breath,
I said "Stop moving your little ass while I choke you to death!"

I whistled for my son and when he came near,
He still had "Fragile-X" and the physique of a queer.
If anything I could say that this kid was rare,
But I thought "Nah, forget it" and deprived him of air!

I went down to the gym around 7 or 8,
And I yelled to myself "Yo Chris, smell ya latah!"
Hung myself to death, at a very young age,
Now I'm burning in hell, all because of roid-rage.


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A bum asks a man for $2.

The man asked: "Will you buy booze?"

The bum said: "No"

The man asked "Will you gamble it away?"

The bum said: "No."

Then the man asked: "Will you come home with me, so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week.

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Sorry if the Benoit one offended anyone....

[grandmaster]

I like the Benoit one. I can hear it now. LOL.